Let’s talk about Separation
What do you do when you come back?
A friend of mine went away for a week on urgent business at short notice. She is normally the one in her household who is with her dog during the day. The dog has no history of separation anxiety – she can go out for a few hours without any issues. On this occasion however, she did have to go away in a pretty much drop-everything-and-just-go fashion. She said good-bye to her dog – let’s call him Buddy – in her usual low key way, and off she went!
Arrangements were made for Buddy to remain at home with her partner being there for him most of the time. During her absence, Buddy apparently was clearly missing his mum as it became more apparent that she was not going to come back after a few hours. He coped well enough but was not quite his usual happy-go-lucky self. After all, this was unusual and different from his normal routines. Dogs hate routines being disrupted.
When she did return after a week, she told me that Buddy’s behaviour was strange. Rather than zoomies of excitement, after a tail wag or two and a polite greeting, Buddy went back to his bed. And he seemed uncertain, maybe aloof, for another five days. After that, all was forgiven it seems.
“He had the right hump with me” she said.
The coming back
I found her story fascinating. There were obvious reasons for her sudden and unusually long absence to potentially trigger all kinds of behaviours in Buddy. But when she returned to him…?
“How did you greet him when you came back”, I asked?
“The same way I always do: low key, no big deal etc.”
It got me thinking about the coming back. There is a lot of advice around about separation anxiety or lesser problems related to separation from your dog. And even the better training programmes around these focus on the leaving. What happens before. And this is right, because it is your behaviour before you leave that triggers a certain emotional response in your dog. And we have to get this part right, because from this, everything else flows. But we should not ignore the what-happens-after. It should not be an after-thought. Act like it’s no big deal when you return, is the standard advice. And this is generally sound, because:
- We maintain the link in the emotional chain that the whole event of your absence is calm, a low emotional temperature.
- We don’t want to reinforce the idea of your absence being traumatic and over-emotional by overdoing the return greeting. “Wow, this is a big deal, thank goodness you’ve come home then” thinks your dog.
But do we need to be more clever about this? The leaving part is universal. The during part – the absence – is variable. In my friend’s case, it was a completely novel and extreme experience for Buddy. Normally a few hours became a week. So the coming back part: should it really be one-size-fits all?
Can dogs hold grudges?
Let’s break it down for Buddy. When it became apparent the separation was not the routine, he became a little anxious. After a few days, much more so. Getting on for a week later, perhaps we are in abandonment or even grieving territory. Seriously. Because this had never, ever happened before. Dad was behaving normally during this time, all the other routines are still in place, so maybe it’s not so bad. But still. Is she ever going to come back?
Well, she did! A dog is a highly sensitive, emotional being. His mum’s return would have included everything you are imagining: surprise, relief, and pure joy. But what was mum’s reaction? Meh. No big deal, let’s everyone keep calm. We don’t want to start a separation problem here. All good intentions, and by the book too. So did Buddy then have the hump and resent his mum for doing this? Was it the prolonged separation itself, or her (managed) emotional reaction to him when she returned after an exceptional separation?
Separation, trust and confused emotions
Some behaviourists maintain dogs do not hold grudges. Many dog owners might say differently, although it would be short-lived. Dogs are naturally forgiving creatures after all. But I think it’s more complicated than this. I think what happened with Buddy was confusion and perhaps a small and temporary breakdown in trust. Buddy may not be able to articulate this to himself as having the hump. Rather, he needed some space (literally) and time to work through some emotional confusion.
The trust was momentarily eroded when mum went away for longer than The Contract states. The routine was dramatically broken. After days passed, Buddy was trying to emotionally adjust to his mum not being there. Life goes on, but she always comes back (after a few hours) and this time she didn’t. The confusion arose when she suddenly did come back: he was not actually emotionally prepared for this. He was surprised. And he certainly wasn’t prepared for her well-intentioned but slightly subdued greeting not matching the intensity of his feelings. So I think it’s a bit of both: it was a longer absence, but what came after compounded Buddy’s own reaction.
I’m back!
When separation is routine and for shorter periods, keeping the greeting calm when you return is good practice. And by the way, calm does not mean ignoring your dog. You can still have a nice interaction and let your dog know you are pleased to see them without building in excitement. But where a much longer absence is an exceptional event, maybe the emotional straight jacket can come off.
So when you do come back after a long holiday, build in a couple of the routine shorter separation events quite promptly after your return. This is reinforcing the normal, calmer routine (The Contract) for your dog. And if your dog wants to give you the welcome of a lifetime after an exceptional and long absence, open your arms and heart to them! Be true to your emotions. Taken together, trust is reinforced: you always come back!
